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Jul. 18th, 2009

cloud

About You Now


So I guess that I just want to talk, but I don't really want to talk to anyone I know. Well no, I know who I want to talk to, but i doubt that I will ever talk to him again, so I'm just going to talk to myself. I'm not even sure who is going to read this or see this because of how random people have been adding me as their friend... maybe I know them maybe I don't, but go ahead and read this if you really want to.

I feel like I messed up, but at the same time I don't feel like I messed up. I feel like it was something that had to be done whether I liked it or not and it was bound to happen. I just wish that I had have done it in a better way.

I want to start from the start and write down everything that I remember.

I guess the whole thing started the day that I broke up with Nathan. I broke up with him a week after homecoming after school. He said something to me that really upset me, but I can't quite place what he said to me. I think it was something along the lines of "yeah I think thats a good idea, bye." Well anyways, I was really upset about this, but I held it in until I was far enough away from him that he couldn't hear me cry. The first person that I saw and really actually knew was David. We had been talking online a lot lately and he thought that it was a good idea that I break up with Nathan seeing how he never talked to me or anything. The first thing I said when I saw him was "I broke up with Nathan." and then I burst into tears. David gave me a hug and said "there there, its alright, he was a jerk" and patted me on the back a little. Honestly it was a bit of an awkward hug, and i probably got snot all over his hockey jacket, it's a really nice jacket.

later that evening I was on a bus going down to the metredome, to practice for marching band, and my friend Cortney had me sign this thing gah i can't even think of what you would call it, but I signed it and it was something to the effect that I wouldn't date any guys for like a month or something, so that I wouldn't get my heart broken again.

I broke that promise that I had written down on paper. About two weeks later I went on a "date" with David, although I think that we called it "two friends going to a movie together" we both paid our own and I looked like shit. Seriously, my hair was still wet from the shower I had taken before I left, because I had had color guard that day, and I didn't want to stink... actually that was the practice that Paige sprained her ankle. We went and saw "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist." I didn't really like the movie, something about it really annoyed me, but I can't remember what exactly. I can remember what I wore though... It wasn't a cute outfit and I never wear it. After the movie we drove around for awhile and ended up going to a park. Rachel had been texting me that night too to make sure that I was alright, because she wanted to make sure David didn't hurt me or anything. I doubt that she liked him. I think that we played around on the playground for awhile and then I figured he would take me home because well it was my first date kinda and I thought that he would just take me home after the movie. We ended up talking, and it was serious talking. I wish I remember what we talked about because it really seemed like an important conversation, but all I could think about was how I wanted to go home because I had a marching band show the next day. I see myself as a two year old when I think back on this and how immature I was.

It seemed like we just drove around a lot when we first started kinda hanging out. It was fun to just drive around, even though I never really did any talking, I still liked it and I wish that we had have just gone driving more... although that isn't reasonable because of gas prices now days.

We continued to talk online and text each other and soon he invited me to go to a halloween party with him. I was all nervous and stuff about what I should wear. I actually didn't figure out what to wear until the night of the party maybe two hours before he picked me up. I dressed up as a witch, it was a fairly cute outfit, he dressed up as a mexican gangster (a costume that consists of wearing a sombreo and a hubcap around you neck.) I remember how freaked out I was when he came into my house and he wasn't dressed up at all and I was all dressed up. I think I had fun at the party, but I also remember it being really awkward for me, because even though I kinda knew everyone that was there, I only knew two people well enough to actually talk to them and hold a conversation, the rest of the time I just kinda sat at the party doing nothing. I didn't really eat at the party and I danced only a little bit. I was cold so at different points of the party i would snuggle up to David or Keith. David didn't like that I would snuggle up to Keith at all, so I did it more just to piss him off. Much later in the party he started acting like he was drunk or something, looking back he was probably just really tired. But I remember that he picked me up and started dancing around. I hated that and I screamed for him to put me down. Then I basically begged him to take me home. He didn't want to leave yet, but somehow I got him to take me home. We didn't go right home, but just sorta drove around for a long time, or at least until my mom called and asked when I was going to be getting home. I think that this was the night that he told me that he wanted me to become more social and that he had helped his friend become more social. I didn't like that idea at all, I was happy how I was.

I didn't talk to him for a few weeks after that, because I felt that I was just some experiment of his.

Then finally after a few weeks I decided that he wasn't causing me any harm and that he just liked me. I called him and apologized profusely. and somehow we ended up setting up two dates. The dates took place over thanksgiving break.

For the first date, which was probably our first official date we ate out at Fridays. I had French onion soup with water because I didn't want to cost him too much and he had the all America chicken sandwich with strawberry lemonade... at least thats what I think it's called. It tasted quite good the meal did. After dinner we went and saw Australia, which is still one of my favorite movies, actually no that is basically my favorite movie now.

For the second date we went to the Rose Garden and stuffed ourselves full of food. After that we went back to his house to watch another movie. I really wish that I could remember the name of that movie, but i can't. I remember meeting his grandparents that night because his parents were in Hawaii visiting his older sister and I remember how he got in a fight with two of his younger siblings because they also wanted to watch a movie in the basement. I remember being amazed with how beautiful his house was, and found myself slightly jealous of how he had a large family that was there for each other. We ended up with the basement. I ended up snuggled up next to him hopping that he would kiss me. He didn't kiss me that night, but I wish he had have.

I think that we hung out a few more times after that. He told me that we were just dating and that when you are just dating you can see other people too, and that he wanted to do it this way so that we could go on other dates with other people and get to know other people too. I hated this idea, I don't know why. It was probably the fact that I didn't want to go out with other people, I just wanted to go out with him, I wanted to be his girlfriend.

Somewhere in there we ended up making out. The next day he told me that he hoped that it hadn't meant anything to me because it wasn't very good. I was crushed and never wanted to see him again. Later this was cleared up when he told me that he was actually just talking about himself and how he wasn't very good.

After one of the holiday concerts... I think it was the second one (it was dec. 12, 2008) I had David over to my house. We watched a movie, I think it was called the aviators or something, I don't know we didn't really watch it. Then at one point he asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend. I said yes and was really happy about getting to be his girlfriend for weeks. Other people were even happy that he had finally asked me to be his girlfriend too and they thought we made such a cute couple.

Weeks went by and everything was going fine. We watched all of the Indian Jones movies and many other movies. I met his relatives and we went skiing... well skiing ended up in a bit of a mess because I got really tired and sore, because I suck at skiing, and I just kinda wanted to be done before he wanted to be done. New Years eve I was a little upset because I didn't get to spend it with him because he thought I had color guard the next day, but I didn't.

Colorguard and school took over my life, leaving very little time for David. I know that he hated how little time I was able to spend with him, but I felt like there was nothing to do. Guard was edging up to practice almost every day and my teachers just kept piling on more and more homework. I wanted to spend more time with him, but I couldn't. I was in over my head and just wanted out. Part of me still thinks that I might have just quit colorguard so that I could spend more time with him, but there were other reasons too, many other reasons.

I ended up with a prom dress that I didn't really like because he pressured me to get one and I felt like I had very little time to find one, prom dress shopping wasn't as fun as I had hopped it would be.

Yes, I wish that we had have gone to prom with a larger group. I wish that we had have been able to take better pictures. I wish that my hair hadn't have looked so bad. I wish that we had have gone someplace better than the Olive Garden for dinner. But you know what, those are really petty wishes. David did his best, and i'm glad that he did.

It was different that what I had expected. I ended up being one of those girls that grind on their dates. Except it was different, people saw me and thought "what, shes doing that, oh my" because i'm such an innocent looking person and I act innocent. I was grinding because David wanted me to. I was trying my hardest because David told me that I sucked at it and that I should watch other people to try to figure out what to do. I did, and i felt like a fool. Maybe I shouldn't have done what he wanted. But it was his senior prom, and I wanted to make him feel good and feel like one of the guys whose girlfriend would do anything for. 

After prom we slept over at this girls house that he had gone to prom with the year before. I tried my hardest to fit in, but everyone knew everyone so well, except for me. Before we went to her house we went to the Dam, my idea I guess, but I didn't want to make out, making me the bad guy. Well eventually we went to the girls house. Before we all separated to go to sleep David told one of the girls to make me feel comfortable and make sure I was okay and everything. Like I couldn't take care of myself. Later he explained he was just worried about me and wanted to make sure I would be okay. I ended up hitting him in the head with a ping pong ball and having him take me home earlier that he would have wanted. Would I go to prom again? Sure.

We hung out and went on lots of little dates. He became my best friend. We fought some and we made up. I did a lot of things I doubt I really wanted to do. I met a lot of new people. I found that I hated a lot of little things about him. He graduated. I got to know his parents really well. I didn't tell him how I felt and sometimes avoided him. Maybe the whole thing was just destined to fall apart. 

Two days ago we watched Shrek. I found out that he had just gone to a movie with some other girl alone, then gone to a concert. I felt betrayed even though I knew he was going to do this before it happened, but I thought he was going with a group, not just her. I felt left out when I realized that he kept on texting her even when I was sitting right there. At the end of the movie he asked me what was on my mind because I seemed distant. At first I said "nothing" then I just decided that I had to take the plunge and tell him that I felt that we should break up. I don't even remember what I said, then he started talking and I barley remember what he said, I just remember snippits... he was annoyed with how I was always moody lately... he was annoyed with how he wanted to move forward, take the next step, but I didn't. He showed me how much money he had, and he talked about how we had just grown apart. It ended up being a mutual agreement that we would just break up. He said there was still more he wanted to do with me, but that he had been thinking about the same thing. I cried, he didn't. I shouldn't have because it was what I wanted, but I don't know what I want anymore. When he left I told him I was still probably going to try to talk to him, he told me fine, but he wouldn't have much to say.

I guess i'm sad because I know that i'm probably never going to see him again, and that I lost my best friend. All I can say now is that I hope that you find the right person David, i'm sorry I was the wrong girl and I hope you do well in life where ever it takes you.

Aug. 29th, 2008

gooseberry falls

rex

For the rest of his life he will live alone in a nursing home, while his children steal from the home he raised them in. All i can do is sit by his side and watch. Promise him everything is going to fine, while i hold back my tears. I won't let him die, although his children might. Why can't they feel? 

Jul. 15th, 2008

denver

wish

part of me wishes that i had have been smart enough to get a boy who would be there for me, but the other half is curious as to how this will play out.

Jul. 9th, 2008

gooseberry falls

(no subject)

i'll probably never see you again, will i

May. 2nd, 2008

denver

I'm sick...

I'm so sick of people who complain of how their life sucks. Not having the opposite sex isn't going to ruin your life. That B in your class, its just a letter. The zits on your nose won't go away and people don't accept you as being "emo".Just because he doesn't like you, your life doesn't suck. 

Everywhere i go, people are saying "my life sucks." Well too bad sweetie saying that isn't going to change anything. Why don't people try to change their lives any more. It's just been drawn down to the idea that if one thing goes wrong, your whole life is crap. I understand that many people are using it as a figure of speech, but still. Oh and I' m pretty sure the world isn't going to come crashing down on us any time soon because of your life.

Only when all of your friends are dead. You have malignant lumps growing out of every part of your body. Everyone that you once cared about his suffering. When the government decides that you have to pay more taxes then ever body else. The human society has decided that you are the 21st century's Hitler and your cat chokes and dies on its own hairball should you can really say that your life sucks. 

I'm sure i've used this term in my life before, so go ahead and call me a hypocrite

Apr. 9th, 2008

cloud

(no subject)

tomorrow seems so near, but yesterday is a year away

Mar. 23rd, 2008

Apostle islands

dill

i'm in love with Dill :D
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Feb. 21st, 2008

denver

sorry

i know you want to kill me. 
don't try to say otherwise
i saw you crying in the car
i know what that means

i want you to know its over
it was two days
we didn't talk 
its over
i care about you more than any guy

i'm sorry
i really am
i don't mean to keep messing up
it just happens
i suppose i'm just a moron beyond belief 
sorry
you are the reason i still care

by the way i'm sure courtney has a new "interesting" story of what i was doing in the U room, but its not true. 

Feb. 19th, 2008

Apostle islands

oops

i did it again
D:

Feb. 8th, 2008

gooseberry falls

i'm so sorry

I'm so sorry that i left the sectional early, i really didn't want to.I know that i probably need the practice more than anybody. i'm really really sorry, and i'm scared i'm going to be cut from weapon.

i've broken down.

for the first time i broke down in front of my parents. its just so much, i don't understand how to do all of it, and most of the time i can hold myself together, but right now i just can't stop crying. 

it started with my cell phone battery dying and then my dad just started yelling at me for that, because i ended up dropping a call with my mother because of it. then he started to yell at me for not cleaning the rabbits cage and getting a appointment for her to get her nails trimmed. i tried to explain that i was too busy this week and that i would get it done. then i just broke and started crying. he let me cry for a few minutes and then told me that i brought this on myself, i chose to do all of this so i can't break down. i guess i'm grounded for letting the cell die too. 

i hate crying, it just feels so wrong. i'm scared. i just want lie down and cry, but i don't think i can. i'll just let this surmount until, i don't know when.

why can't this be easy

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